Nightshift II
by AndraLee
Summary: Their new supervisor says Jasper lacks initiative, Alice is flighty, Emmett is a perv and Edward is most likely to tell a customer what he can do with himself,  plus there are more than a few opportunities for Bella to get a paper cut .  Crac fic
1. Climbing the Corporate Ladder

**Nightshift II**

**Climbing the Corporate Ladder**

"Jasper Whitlock," choked the wan silver-rooted brunette from the doorway of an office marked Human Resources.

_Human_ resources. The irony wasn't lost on Jasper as he ambled across the lobby to her door. He didn't get a chance to turn on his vampire charms or his "powers of persuasion" before the woman started assessing his merits or lack thereof.

"Do you always move so slowly, Whitlock? I hope you type faster than you walk. It will do you to remember that personal breaks are logged from the last key stroke of the previous transaction to the first key stroke of the next. You'll want to pick up your pace if you expect to make it through your probationary period."

Getting jobs in the call center, taking reservations, complaints and inquiries, was Alice's idea. She thought it would be fun to be an adult who didn't have a curfew and carried the ID of someone who could legally get into a bar. Their parents and Rosalie weren't enthusiastic.

"Call me when you need a date to the company Christmas party," Rosalie said to Emmett, kissing him goodbye the morning he reported for orientation. Rosalie refused to participate; she found the whole idea abhorrent and elected to give an engine rebuild her exclusive attention for the time being.

Jasper tugged at his collared shirt and tie. He wished that he too had deferred the gratification Alice claimed would come from having jobs like these. Taking a last look at the family members seated behind him, Jasper entered the office and started to pull the door closed.

"Leave it open." The woman seated herself behind a cluttered desk. When Jasper didn't sit down too, she barked, "Need an invitation for the obvious?" and wrote 'lacks initiative' on the form in front of her.

What was obvious to Jasper was that Mrs. Cope (Jasper had taken the initiative to read the nameplate on the desk) was not a people person. Or maybe she didn't like people from Texas.

"You'll have to work on that accent, Whitlock. Customers don't want to hear any hint of an accent or they will think you're overseas or you are an illegal from Mexico."

Jasper assumed the woman wasn't concerned about his Spanish. He nodded, wondering what the customers would think about interacting with a vampire.

"We've found that agents who talk funny get twice the number of customer complaints. When you don't have calls, work on that. There's a program on your assigned computer."

By the time the other Cullen vampires, Alice Brandon, Emmett Hale and Edward Masen, had filtered through Mrs. Cope's office, it had become apparent that she didn't like anybody and had found serious defects in each of her new employees. She deemed Alice 'flighty' and Emmett a misogynist (She did catch him looking at her chest.), while Edward was judged 'most likely to tell a customer to screw themselves'. So much for supernatural powers.

Several new hires emerged from Mrs. Cope's office with eager butt-kisser smiles. Imagining them wagging and salivating on the floor was easy. When the mandatory training session got underway, the same people placed themselves in the front of the room and vied for the title of 'most likely to take it up the ass'.

The Cullens collected in the back two rows, pretending to be total strangers who were meeting for the very first time. Alice, Emmett and Jasper imitated the introductory conversations that were taking place in the room. Edward, typically, was keeping his own counsel and pretended to peruse his employment packet.

"You should pay more attention," said a lanky blonde who was passing out handouts when she noticed Alice doodling on the company handbook.

"What was that? I can't hear you?" Alice repeated until the girl was shouting her advisement.

"You really should move closer to the front if you can't hear."

Alice didn't respond, but instead turned to glare at Emmett threw a wad of paper. Jasper gave Emmett a thumbs up and laughed.

"Children," Alice observed, giving the blonde a sweet smile and the rolling eye. "I suppose you'll be compelled to report our lack of concern." Normally, Alice would have been extraordinarily nice to the human, but Jasper was sending out sex vibes and Alice wasn't sure what was behind that effort or what the outcome might be.

Finally, the blonde looked toward Edward. She had been looking for an excuse to talk to him all along and was pissed that her exchange with Alice had diverted her attention from the supply closet fantasy she intended to share with Edward. The poor girl didn't realize that developmentally, Edward was stuck in the girls-are-icky stage and was far less tolerant of human flirtation than either Jasper or Emmett.

"I'm Lauren Mallory," the girl told Edward. "There is a seat up front for someone who realizes that this isn't high school."

Without tilting his head, Edward looked up from his papers and vanquished the girl with a murderous scowl. She jumped back involuntarily, dropping handouts as she did, and fled without bothering to collect the paper from the floor.

When Mrs. Cope introduced herself and several ranking members of the company staff, she noted that only fifty percent of the new hires would survive their probationary period.

"So build your workplace associations carefully. Form alliances with long-term employees and seek mentors." Blah. Blah. Blah. "Chose friends wisely."

In a show of unity, the Cullens all pretended to sleep through the orientation video.

Mrs. Cope didn't notice; she really was sleeping.

After a couple of weeks, it became apparent to Mrs. Cope and the floor supervisors that the new hires working the midnight shift were excellent employees. They not only handled their quota of calls, but they did not take smoke or bathroom breaks.

The company had a strict policy limiting personal breaks, so the Cullens, who never sat foot in a company lavatory, received superior performance reviews and were given a measly fifty-cents an hour raise in reward. Even the butt-kissing Lauren and her new boyfriend, Mike Newton, who moved to the nightshift so they could do make-out in the copy room, didn't get raises.

Receiving company atta-boys should have made the Cullens pariahs, but most of the other employees on mids were college students, who attended classes during the day and had little time for developing an overt interest in the new workers. In fact, no one paid any attention to their common features; people assumed that the pale skin and yellowed eyes were artificial just like the facial piercings and tattoos the scenesters wore.

Nonetheless, the Cullens were once again the aloof outsiders in the school cafeteria.

* * *

A/N: The wonderful world of Twilight and all its inhabitants belong to the amazing Stephenie Meyer. Copyright infringement not intended.

This was written weeks before the commercial for that new tv comedy about a call center began to air. I know absolutely nothing about that.

BTW, if you want to read the drabble that inspired this bit of crac fic, it is posted under El Diablo Doesn't Wear Pantyhose (prompt #16)

Nightshift is dedicated to my lulzy family at We Broke Twilight. Use the link on my profile page to check us out!


	2. Office Romance

**Nightshift II**

**Office Romance**

It was true. An employer willing to pay people to sit on their asses attracted an eclectic mix of odd balls.

The self-absorbed call center employees, with their avant-garde clothing styles, bizarre jewelry, and cliquish vernacular, never noticed the vampires in their midst; there were simply too many social misfits bouncing around the Center already. Consequently, the coven didn't stand out to anyone, aside from the pee counters who kept their eyes trained on the restroom doors and rewarded the fact they never caught a glimpse of a Cullen or anyone bearing any of the names the Cullens used.

Ben Cheney was the exception and he only noticed Alice. In fact, couldn't stop staring at Alice. First, she had remarkable taste in clothing, but more than anything else, she was thinner, paler and smoother than any mannequin at Macy's. Alice was a fashion designers dream.

Alice liked Ben too - a lot. She had never met anyone who knew as much about shoes and haute couture as Ben did.

"Alice, I can't believe you've never been to Moires. We're both off on Tuesday. I'll take you. The best dressed will all be there" Ben was enthusiastic.

"I don't think that's sounds like a place I can take Jasper."

"Whitlock? _You_ are going out with that uptight nerd? No way. I mean I've seen you talking to him and all, but I thought you noticed his Cesare Paciotti's, too."

"Don't tell anyone, but Jasper and I live together. We've known each other a long time. And I picked out those Casare Paciotti lace-ups. Thank you very much."

"Where did you find that sweater he keeps here at the office."

"I knitted that one myself."

"What? No way."

"Way!"

"Oh, you really have to teach me to knit. I've always wanted to learn. Right after we go fashion spotting at the the club."

"Okay. Okay. I'll go. Jazz will understand. It is research, after all."

However, Jasper did not understand. In fact, he threatened to eat Ben Cheney.

"Why that insipid little sneak. I'll suck the life out of the son of a bitch."

"You'll do no such thing, Jasper Whitlock."

"I can, and I will if I want to." Jasper sounded like a school child.

"Not if you know what's good for you." Alice sounded like his mother.

"Just because I don't sit around ogling fashion magazines doesn't mean you can take up with another man. I wear all the shit you bring home and tell me to wear, don't I?"

"Ben is my friend."

"Dead friend."

Alice gave Jasper that meanest look she had in her arsenal of scary faces and stomped off in a huff. Later that day, Alice moved out of the apartment she and Jasper shared, complaining that Jasper was taking her for granted and did not respect her.

"You want to talk about clothes? Tell me about clothes. I'm all ears." Jasper wailed when Alice dragged her suitcases out into the hall. He couldn't understand why Alice was so angry.

"I want you to quit thinking about humans as merely something to eat. Any excuse and you are right back there again." Apparently, Alice's frustration stemmed from more than a desire to have someone with whom she could speak Armani. Her problems had more to do with realizing Jasper was never going to stop jonesing for human blood and no amount of guilting and raging was going to change that.

Of course, Alice knew she couldn't fix Jasper, but a little drama might redirect Jasper's focus and maybe keep him from killing Ben Cheney.

Alice didn't speak to Jasper for days and she wouldn't talk about the problem, although Edward eavesdropped on Alice's inner thoughts often enough to know she still saw Jasper rampaging on Ben in her crystal ball. In the meantime, hitting the bars with Ben before work was becoming a new habit.

"Ben's gay," Emmett declared.

"No, he's not." Edward disagreed. "Actually, he's got a deep appreciation for the female form, especially Alice's."

"Like fantasy appreciation?" Emmett liked getting Jasper stirred up. Keeping Jasper on edge and thinking about preemptive action was probably the reason Alice continued to see a bad end for Ben Cheney.

Edward could hear all the torments that Jasper was planning for Ben. "Man, you promised Alice that you wouldn't touch him."

"You're right, but that doesn't mean I can't get him fired.

Back in the office, Alice, Jasper, Emmett and Edward sat in their cubicles every night, playing Battleship and answering phones. Those nights were becoming as tedious as high-school-filled days for everyone except Jasper, who was plotting to shake up the personnel roster and eliminate the novelty of working in a call center.

When Jasper offered to write a program to surveil company web usage, Banner, the office IT guru, saw another opportunity to rid their corporate world of those who would misuse company equipment and resources. Banner was so appreciative that he offered to put Jasper in for a promotion.

Immediately, Jasper's snooper showed that eighty percent of the nightshift employees were accessing prohibited sites. Even Emmett and Alice were caught dowloading adult material.

Edward was sure it was a good sign. "Jasper, I'm telling you Alice thinks about sex every ten seconds."

"With all of her vampiric brain or just a little piece?" The distinction made a huge difference, since technically a female vampire could study all seven-hundred verses of the Bhagavad Gita and plan six months of hunting or shopping trips while satisfying her mate without losing a stroke. However, focusing the entire brain on sex was sure to result in the mate getting the greatest fuck of his ever-loving immortal life.

"That's gross, man. You and my sister." Edward was certain that even vampire girls had cooties.

"She's so hot for you, Jasper, I'm going to leave the fire extinguisher next to her desk." Emmett was hoping the tension would build to the point Jasper and Alice would have a quickie on that desk.

In the meantime, as a result of Jasper's initiative, several employees were fired for spending more time surfing the net than working calls and Mrs. Cope was reprimanded for posting company information on her blog. Unfortunately, the worst offense that Ben Cheney committed was IMing with another call center agent named Angela, who was working in St. Louis. Of course, Ben received a written warning for misuse of company resources, but it forced him to actually talk to the moonlighting design student of his dreams.

Ben and Angela's friendship blossomed and Ben was soon talking about visiting Angela in Missouri, which suited Jasper just fine. When Alice mentioned that Ben might have said something about moving, Jasper made it a point to send longing Ben's way. However, Jasper's influence left Ben extremely conflicted, since Ben knew that his school had a better reputation and higher graduate placement rates than Angela's school. It started to made sense to convince Angela to move to California rather than the other way around.

Unbeknownst to Jasper, Esme finished the first and second floor renovations and had decided to rent out those units. Alice had suggested that Angela could get a good deal on an apartment in the Cullen's building, so days later Angela enrolled at Ben's school and officially transferred from St Louis to the San Francisco call center with her best friend, who was game for an adventure.

By then, the Cullens had claimed the cubicles on the northwest side of the building. The location gave them a marvelous view and it was far enough from the elevators, bathrooms and break rooms that they were seldom bothered by other employees. Unfortunately, Ben saw the isolated corner as a place where he could increase the odds that Angela and her friend would be stationed nearby when they arrived.

Angela and her friend started with another wave of new hires, one rainy night.


	3. Office Gossip

**Nightshift II**

**Office Gossip**

It was true; if someone took a survey and asked the call center staff to guess which of their fellow employees were officially members of the notorious undead, the Cullens, six week into their new lives on the midnight shift, wouldn't make the list. Most people would point to Shelly Cope, Harold Greene, Sherwin Varner and Tyler Crowley.

Obviously, the Human Resources Director, Mrs. Cope, starred in the nightmares of over ninety percent of the call center agents, since people routinely disappeared after being summoned to her office. Mrs. Cope claimed that the employees were fired and escorted from the premises. No one was brave enough to point out that the terminated never gathered their personal effects, which occasionally included coats and car keys.

People are afraid of the unknown. So the general manager, Mr. Greene, would make the 'undead' list just because he never set foot outside his office, unless it was to check out the gaggle of new hires or put on the dog and pony show for some corporate muckety-muck in from Chicago.

When word leaked that the Center's nightshift supervisor, Sherwin Varner, was the same Sherwin Varner who once told a newspaper reporter that the old people without a pension could get jobs as Wal-Mart greeters instead of enjoying work-free golden years, half the employees bought bullet proof vests. Sooner or later, a disgruntled seventy year-old, was going to hobble in on a cane and waste Sherwin Varner.

In fact, most people would say that the Sherwin Varner, who was on work release from a federal prison, was the epitome of evil and was sure to have a position in hell reserved just for him. At the least, Varner, the former CEO of a major international conglomerate, was a soulless schmuck who deserved to make the undead list for squandering the retirement funds of his employees.

Naturally, Tyler Crowley made the undead list, because Tyler was an accidental overdose in the making. Tyler was the unaborted mea culpa of one of San Francisco's oldest legal families, Crowley, Crowley, Crowley, Crowley and Clapp. (Tyler's grandmother refused to relinquish her maiden name, even when she made partner.) Tyler had been in and out of rehab and bailed out of jail so many times that the family lost count. Although Tyler was keeping clean, the office bookies were taking bets on the number of days remaining in this latest round of sobriety.

Of course, the Cullens were sympathetic to Tyler's plight; he had a drug habit that rivaled a vampire's thirst for blood and a job only Satan could have invented. Despite learning what a horrible fate landing a job in customer service was, the Cullens kept their distance from Tyler, grateful that San Francisco was a mecca for weirdoes like Tyler and his groupies.

And the Cullens blended in so well that they were starting to feel right at home only a stone's throw from Alcatraz. Besides, the chances that the Cullens would slip and nom a human they worked with or get caught breaking into a blood bank were pretty slim; their coven patriarch, Carlisle, was running an amazingly successful scam picking up strays and collecting blood from anyone else who could walk or stagger aboard Carlisle's official looking donation center on wheels.

Since Carlisle started paying the drunks, meth heads and starving artists ten bucks a bag and he was cruising all over the Bay area, their animal and human blood supply was almost endless. To top it off, the drugs, booze and ethnic cuisine that tainted their meals provided a variety the Cullens had never experienced before. Soon Carlisle was on the street looking for popular combinations, like X and Thai.

The only problem was that the Cullens were having trouble drinking enough animal blood to keep their eyes a nice golden-yellow. The whole business incensed Alice; she refused human blood, reminding her family that she never had a problem maintaining a pleasant eye color or an agreeable odor.

"Edward Cullen, Alice Brandon, Emmett Hale and Jasper Whitlock." Mrs. Cope spit each name like they'd personally betrayed her. "I should have known the four of you would end up getting into trouble."

A rare thunderstorm was lighting up San Francisco that night and the Cullens, who had a serious aversion to any heat source that could turn sand into glass in about two seconds, were uncharacteristically tardy.

"Yes, ma'am. We're late on account of the weather." Jasper should have let someone else do the talking.

"You haven't been working on getting rid of that accent have you, Mr. Whitlock? Your friend's file says he was born in Tennessee, but you don't hear a drawl in his voice do you?" Shelly Cope looked at Emmett and once again caught him looking at her boobs.

"That's one of Mr. Hale's few redeeming qualities," she noted.

"I'm very disappointed in the four of you. The new hire orientation was this afternoon and we have several newbies and transfers on the floor tonight. Being late does not set a good example."

That should have been the end of it, but Edward just had to take off his sunglasses.

"Mr. Cullen have you been drinking?"

Edward didn't respond until Alice elbowed him. "Not tonight. Not a drop," Edward said.

Mrs. Cope walked over and stared into Edward's fire engine-red eyes. "Are you doing drugs?"

"Too much chlorine. In the pool." Edward's excuse was weak. He was sure his name would not-so-randomly pop up on the weekly random piss test roster. Edward would have to hope he could hypnotize a pee counter into urinating into a cup on his behalf.

"I'm watching you, Cullen." Getting reamed by Shelly Cope was not the worst thing that would happened to Edward that night.

When the coven finally made it to their work stations, they found the eager Ben Cheney prancing about, while his new girlfriend carefully arranged her personal items on the desk. As Ben hoped, Mr. Varner had assigned Ben's girlfriend and the other transfers to cubicles, near the corner that the Cullens claimed.

Ben couldn't wait to introduce Alice to Angela.

"Alice Brandon. Angela Weber."

Emmett and Jasper took one look at Angela's Adam's Apple and got a whiff of the hormones in his - her - system and backed Edward into a corner.

"What kind of no-count mindreader are you?"

"Hey, don't blame me if the dude's only got it for flat-chested girls shaped like twelve-year old boys." Edward would never admit to making a mistake.

"You motherfucker. That's my woman you're talking about." Jasper was a fighter and Edward was a piano player, so things weren't shaping up well for Edward at all.

"Gentlemen, please. We can deal with these petty grievances later. There are ladies present." Alice's voice was cold and professional; Edward had no doubt she was going to let Jasper defend her honor with a sound asskicking.

"Don't mind them," Alice said to Ben and Angela. "They're a little insecure."

A buxom honey-blonde popped up from behind a partition. "Hi! I'm Angela's friend, Jessica Stanley."

Emmett greeted Jessica with vampire speed, extending a finger to poke at her chest. She couldn't see his inappropriate gesture; but she felt it, and started pulling at her bra straps. Edward would tell Emmett later that Jessica was sure the office had bed bugs.

"Well, hello there, Jessica." Emmett was satisfied that Jessica's tits were real enough.

The Cullens males were reluctantly trading chit-chat with the newcomers when Jasper noticed that another previously unoccupied cubicle appeared to have been taken. "Who's sitting there?"

"Don't you pay any attention to the office gossip?" Ben couldn't believe Alice was dating someone so dense.

"Guess I missed it," Jasper said flippantly. "So why don't you fill me in."

"No, thanks. You aren't my type," Ben said, leaping on the innuendo.

Jasper rolled his eyes and growled, sending Ben the urge to run and hide in more ways than one.

"Okay, I'm just kidding," Ben squeaked.

But Ben seemed to have lost his voice, so Alice, who kept abreast of office happenings, and had, of course, her crystal ball, supplied the information. "That would be the other transfer, Isabella Swan. She was living in Las Vegas, but she's from San Francisco and moved back to attend Golden Gate. Apparently, potty breaks aren't as big an issue in Vegas, because she's taking her time in the lavatory."

"Her mom is a exotic dancer and her step dad is a WWF wrestler. Oh, and if you have been working here for any length of time, you've probably met her dad, Chief Swan, he's the head detective in this police precinct. He interviewed us when James dropped off the face of the earth." That recitation was provided by the mailroom clerk, Eric Yorkie. He was conveniently delivering written warnings from Mrs. Cope.

Ben recovered his voice to add, "James, was a slacker who got fired a couple of months ago. He just walked out and left all his stuff right here."

"I heard that he never picked up his final paycheck." Eric could see Jessica was fascinated, so he cozied up next to her.

"I think he jumped off the bridge," Ben mumbled, reaching for Angela's hand.

"What do we care?" Jasper grumbled as he adjusted his headset.

Everyone was moving back into work mode when Isabella Swan returned from the ladies' room. Her fragrance could have knocked Edward across the room. As it was, he started fiending so hard that if Emmett hadn't grabbed an ankle, Edward might gone through a window. Unfortunately, beating Edward into submission took Jasper, Alice and Emmett thirty snarl-filled seconds.

"She's got to be bathing in seaweed." Edward liked a hint of sushi in his hemoglobin.

"I think he's having an allergic reaction to all that chlorine in the pool," Alice said to their worried office mates, who were on edge, no doubt, by all the biting and hissing they witnessed.

"You must be Isabella Swan," Eric observed, trying to redirect the conversation. Eric was consistently voted the most popular by his peers.

"Bella. It's just Bella," she replied, pulling the toilet paper from the bottom of her shoe. "I'll just get back to work. Um. Uh. Oh. Over here."

Bella surreptitiously checked her pits and gnawed her lip nervously, wondering if her feminine hygiene products were going to let her down. But by the time Bella worked her peeling lips raw, menstrual blood was the last thing she needed to worry about.

* * *

Disclaimer: Copyright infringement not intended.

A/N: This was written weeks before the commercial for that new tv comedy about a call center began to air. I know absolutely nothing about that.

BTW, if you want to read the drabble that inspired this bit of crac fic, it is posted under El Diablo Doesn't Wear Pantyhose (prompt #16)

Nightshift is dedicated to my lulzy family at We Broke Twilight. Use the link on my profile page to check us out!


	4. Office Mates

**Office Mates**

It was true. Menstrual blood was a total turn-off. Only a werewolf might think about eating something so ripe, and every sane vampire knew that turning a female who was on the rag into a vampire meant that whoever mated with the bitch was going to spend eternity in PMS hell. Just ask Emmett.

He'd say that having a perpetually hormonal spouse was almost as bad as having a partner forever afflicted with postpartum depression. Ask Carlisle.

However at this particular moment, Carlisle was in Mrs. Cope's office with Emmett trying to convincing her that holding a blood drive would be a boost to company morale. Not to mention, all those mid-shift college students and day-shift crips would rake in a few tax-free dollars for rolling up their sleeves and relieving themselves of a few pints of blood.

Unfortunately, as enamored as Shelly Cope appeared to be with the two vampires sitting before her, it was purely on a sexual level and that did not sway her business judgement one iota.

"Dr. Cullen, thank you for coming in to see me. The company likes to encourage volunteerism, and we like knowing Mr. Hale is so committed to helping our community."

Initially, Carlisle thought the woman was talking about Jasper; Carlisle had forgotten that Emmett was swinging by his wife's name these days.

"Dr. Cullen, if you don't mind, i'd like to speak with Mr. Hale privately." And with that, Carlisle was dismissed.

"Mr. Hale? Do you mind if I call you, Emmett?" Mrs. Cope didn't wait to find out before continuing. "I appreciate you coming in here on personal time to make this proposal. I tell you what: if you submit a formal request, I'll send it to the home office... " Shelly Cope lost her train of thought when Emmett leaned forward in his seat to let her get a peek at his pecs. His heavy gold chain swung gently between his heaving breasts.

It would be hard for a man, recently caught downloading porn on company time, onto a company computer, no less, to make a sexual harassment claim against someone in her position, she thought.

Emmett smiled. Even without mindreading abilities, he knew Mrs. Cope was squirming in her seat, so adding a little vampire charm to the mix would have her singing his praises in no time. He could already smell success.

"Maybe you could give me a few pointers. You know, show me how to finesse my proposal." Emmett was sure blatant flirting would rule the day.

Mrs. Cope stood up, signaling an end to the meeting. "Type up something and leave it with my secretary, Gianna. I'll review it. Emmett." She whispered his name as if she was ordering dessert. "I'm sure we could come to an arrangement that would be mutually beneficial for the entire office."

When Mrs. Cope rolled the word 'come' around and pushed it out of her lipstick smeared mouth, she stepped forward so that Emmett would have to rub against her as he rose to his feet, or he would have had to, if he were a mortal man. Emmett, fortunately, was accustomed to the uncontrollable reactions humans had to vampires and was able to leap to the door and rescue himself in the blink of Shelly Cope's one good eye.

Yep, one. The fact that was she was blind in one eye was obvious, because while she usually kept the good eye on the rank-and-file employees, she parked her other eye on the door that the corporate muckety-mucks used to escort the people they identified for termination from the building.

At least, that's what Alice saw in what passed as her crystal ball, an innocuous looking snow globe she found over in Chinatown at the Telescope Shop in Diagon Alley.

"Damn," Alice said, shaking her crystal ball to scatter the glitter all over the Abominable Snowman and Rudolf.

In the days that followed the revelation that Jasper developed the dreaded sniffer that outed Alice as a woman with a taste for porn, she carefully avoided looking in his direction. However, Emmett's quest to milk his coworkers, and Edward's uncivilized manner and lethal disposition had forced Alice to collaborate with Jasper on matters of family security.

"I can't get a reading on that woman, but she's hiding more than the fact that she started life as a redhead." Ben Cheney pointed out that Shelly Cope's roots were more red than gray in back. Of course, Ben occasionally volunteered for an extra day shift and got a look at stuff like that.

Alice shook the globe again and held it up for Jasper to see. As far as he was concerned, Alice's crystal ball looked just like it did the day she peeled off the sticker that said made in Hong Kong. The scenery inside that joke never changed either, even though Alice claimed that watching her snow globe was like channel surfing premium Direct TV.

"I don't see Carlisle ever bleeding our co-workers. Edward is loopy over the cute new chick already. He doesn't need a taste to further tempt him into committing acts of depravity."

Jasper's ears pricked on the description of Bella Swan as 'cute'. The sexscapades Alice had downloaded at work featured a whole lot of chick-on-chick action that didn't look like it was produced for men.

"Edward is not the only person daydreaming about putting their mouths on that mouse, although Edward is probably the only one that wants to suck on her liver."

For a split-second, Alice's face went blank, the same way it did when she rifled through her walk-in closets. When she found the perfect shade of annoyed she looked at Jasper and said, "either he's going to kill her or he's going to drag her back to his bat cave and keep her."

Jasper shuddered. He'd seen the rooftop maintenance room which doubled as Edward's abode. "What would Edward do with a girl?"

Indeed, Edward was wondering the same exact thing. He called in sick after his 'allergic reaction' and laid out of work for almost two weeks. Edward couldn't keep the image of the delectable alga-scented female out of his mind. Nor could he keep the perpetual hard-on out of his pants; but he was sure that painful malady had something to do with visions of sucking her cracked and bleeding lips until they turned blue.

When Edward finally returned to work, he discovered that Jasper had hacked into the company computers and generated a letter mandating the use of two-person cubicles. According to the letter, the 'buddy system' encouraged productivity, because there would always be someone looking over your shoulder ready to tattle when you gave into the urge to play games with yourself. The mad race to spawn new alliances left Edward the odd man out.

Despite Jasper's best effort, Alice bunked with Ben, because Mrs. Cope flat out refused to sanction a Ben-Angela seating arrangement; and since Angela and Jessica had shared a car all the way from St. Louis, it only made sense that they would share a cubicle. That forced Jasper to choose between sitting next to either Emmett or Edward. So that was how Edward found himself sentenced to rubbing elbows with Bella Swan. (In reality, they were exactly three feet six and one-half inches apart, Edward calculated. Hardly a distance that truly forced the rubbing of any body parts.)

Edward was just rechecking his calculations when he smelled Bella walk out of the elevator. Edward listened as Bella stumbled and bumped her way along the corridor, and he wondered if she imbibed. Alcohol might make her less palatable. Edward sighed. Watching CSPAN would be preferable to spending the evening trying to stop himself from killing her in the copy room, so Edward decided he should go home. But before he could move, Bella dropped into the padded chair beside him. Instead of listening to Bella's uneven breath sounds, Edward tried to concentrate on the noise created by five hundred thirty-nine phalanges. (Mike Newton was missing a pinkie.)

Seven hundred and eighty-four seconds later, it became apparent to Edward that Bella was experiencing trouble. He knew she had logged in, so that meant somewhere a monitor was flashing. Edward felt the sudden urge to protect Bella. Now, that might suggest Edward contemplated a gallant and heroic deed; but he acted because he knew Bella would follow him to the copy room much more quickly, if she thought Edward was a nice guy.

Edward let the breath he was holding out slowly, as he said, "Hi, I'm Edward Cullen. You're Bella."

Bella looked at Edward before eyebaling their shared cubicle. They both had cardboard signs bearing their names taped below their monitors. Edward apparently had a knack for stating what was plainly written in front of him. She nodded. Only to be polite.

"Your number lock is on. That's why you can't type in your password," Edward told her, speaking slowly and enunciating each word. He had, naturally, concluded that he couldn't hear her internal dialog because a Pliestocene humanoid gene rendered her mind preverbal.

But Bella was thinking that Edward might not be as stupid as he looked. Unfortunately, Edward's take on the look she gave him was that she considered him a loathsome sewer-dwelling rat.

"Thanks, I'm used to working on a Mac."

"They have Macs in Vegas?" Edward asked. Of course, they had Macs in Vegas; the media conventions flooded the local market with used computers.

Bella merely nodded while Edward considered the odds that someone who constructed a sentence containing eight words was a moron.

On the other side of the partition, Alice didn't like what she was seeing in her crystal ball. "Stop", she cried, leaping to her feet. Alice bounded around the wall to snatch the thermos Bella was about to open: a red Starbucks Stainless Steel Travel Mug - just like Edward's.

* * *

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Nothing to do with any copyrighted works of fiction upon which this perversion is based. I'm just playing. No copyright infringement intended.

A/N: Yo peeps! Can you identify all the fics I've mocked today? Do you need hints?

This was written weeks before the commercial for that new tv comedy about a call center began to air. i know absolutely nothing about that.

BTW, if you want to read the drabble that inspired this bit of crac fic, it is posted under El Diablo Doesn't Wear Pantyhose (prompt #16)

Nightshift is dedicated to my lulzy family at We Broke Twilight. Use the link on my profile page to check us out!


	5. Workplace Incidents

**Nightshift II**

**Workplace Incidents**

It was true. Alice _saw _Bella chug Edward's two a.m. feeding in the snow globe crystal ball; but Alice's attempt to prevent Bella from taking that hit was a bigger disaster. Tyler Crowley, who was pushing a cart loaded with paper down the aisle, collided with Alice the moment she darted from her cubicle. The collision knocked Tyler's cart into the wall, which would totally have squashed Bella, if Edward hadn't been speed bumping it in the way. Of course, Bella tossed that nasty red travel mug, splattering 12 ounces of formaldehyde-laced O positive all over the place.

Bella didn't notice the blood at first, because Edward had pinned Bella to the floor between her monitor and her overturned chair. Bella examined Edward's hands and the needless indentation he had made in their cubicle wall. Apparently, the Company purchased incredibly cheap shit. It had probably been shipped in from China.

Alice began to screech. "Bella? Are you alright?" Nobody gave Tyler, who was rubbing an oozing scrape, a second thought. "Oh my God, Edward are you drinking that Tru Blood beverage again? Marketing executives think the public will buy anything."

The ingredients of said beverage include more preservatives, food dyes and suspicious chemicals, like cyanocobalamin, than a grandma trussed for viewing, thought Alice.

Edward responded verbally. "Cyanocobalamin is a water soluble vitamin." He paused. "B-12?" Edward's sarcastic inflection suggested he thought Alice was a mindless nit.

Bella began to extract herself from Edward's clutches as she listened closely. His statement was completely out of context; his defense of cyno-coco-balm (or whatever) must have referred to a prior conversation. Nonetheless, the comment confirmed her opinion that Edward thought he knew more than anyone else on the planet. Bella was wrong, of course; Edward was more or less a Christian and everyone else a Cyrano. Besides, Alice was the coven member voted most likely to know it all and she stood ready to prove it.

"Humans need B-12 to maintain normal brain and central nervous system function. Guess anybody who'd buy embalming fluid mixed with blood and then put it in their coffee mug could use a transfusion of anything that might make them a tad bit smarter," Alice observed.

"It's not _real _blood_, _Tiresias." There was obviously some hidden meaning behind Edward's odd turn of phrase or maybe Edward was more than a little odd. Bella couldn't decide. She didn't know that Edward had sniffed out a cult of grave-robbing wannabe-Mayans and convinced them to cut him in on their take or that Edward was bucking Carlisle's edict to stay away from non-believers.

"It smells like real blood to me," said the woozy Bella, as Edward finally removed himself from her person. She figured he was getting some kind of thrill from their contact, so she declined further assistance, climbing out from under the debris on her own. When Bella finally stood and got a look at her reflection in a window, she collapsed in a heap on the bloody carpet, skinning her knees in the process.

Alice agreed that Bella's ensemble, a short plaid jumper and a sleeveless wife-beater, was about the scariest thing ever worn. Seeing those threads could give anyone - even Alice - a stroke. "Ben? Can you take Bella over to Angela's apartment? Get her cleaned up and find her something decent to wear." Angela rented one of Esme's renovated apartments, which was incredibly convenient, because Angela wasn't working that evening and Esme was itching to get a peek at the object of Edward's obsession.

"Emmett, help Edward hoover this mess up." Jasper and Emmett had returned from meeting Carlisle for a fix just in time to help recovery efforts. " Jazz, disperse the crowd."

Like vultures on fresh dog, a flock had gathered to whisper 'kagogi' and watch Alice direct clean-up efforts. Most of the rubberneckers were assigned cubicles or offices elsewhere and had no reason whatsoever to cruise by the scene of the accident, so Jasper took the directive as an excuse to instill fear in his human co-workers. Everyone responded appropriately except Mrs. Cope, who held the leash of the suddenly-panicked Eric Yorkie.

"Mr. Yorkie," Mrs. Cope barked. Her bad mood resulted from having to hang around the office waiting on a special courier from the home office. "Eric. If you ever expect to earn a secretarial position on the day shift, you'll have to be prepared to_ record _atrocities like this," Mrs. Cope admonished, as she cut the personal space between them. The hand she used to pat the back of Eric's arm said she was more than his mentor. Poor devil.

"Can I get a band-aid?" Tyler finally recovered enough to speak.

"Tyler Crowley. Eric, escort Mr. Crowley to the employee's lounge and make sure he gets whatever he needs." Mrs. Cope watched the two men walk toward the elevators before addressing Edward. "Drinking again, Cullen?" Company policy required employees involved in workplace incidents resulting in injuries to submit to urinalysis, however, Mrs. Cope couldn't make Edward, the only person on her shit list, piss in a cup without making Bella, Alice and Tyler do the same. "Never mind. Just get this place cleaned up. An official from the home office will be here any minute."

"Mrs. Cope, Ben should take Bella over to Angela's house. She lives nearby." Alice was sweeter than a double scoop of Ben and Jerry's. She didn't want Mrs. Cope to think Alice was trying to usurp any executive authority. "I'm sure Chief Swan wouldn't want his little girl coming home looking like she's been mugged." Alice saw a bad end for somebody in the group tonight and she wanted to make sure it wasn't Bella, so Alice would have snuck Ben and Bella out through the loading dock exit if necessary.

"You're right and I definitely wouldn't want Bella to draw any negative attention tonight." Mrs. Cope held her watch up where she could squint at it. "Get a move on, Mr. Cheney." (Mrs. Cope must have spent hours memorizing everyone's last name.)

The Cullens were incredibly relieved when Mrs. Cope took Ben and Bella with her when she returned to the first floor. It was definitely snack time and the aroma of blood in various stages of decomposition was driving the vampires nuts, even Alice was fiending for Shih Ttzu. In 12.2 seconds, Edward, Jasper and Emmett sucked the splatter from every blood-soiled object on their floor, leaving only the mouth-watering odors to float in the air.

Alice shook the snow globe. "I see very dark things happening tonight." Edward was still tonguing the floor where Bella bled, so Alice kicked him. "I'm talking about your girlfriend, you stalker."

"Do you mind?" Edward sat up.

"Ew. Edward's gotta girlfriend." You can never tell Emmett anything.

"Edward's scared to talk to her." Jasper picked another inopportune time to open his mouth. It was getting to be a habit.

"Think she bites?" Emmett asked.

"Something besides her nails?" Jasper knew he was going to piss Alice off, but he couldn't help himself. "Yeah, she smells pretty tasty. When you get tired of looking at all those pictures you slipped into her house and took, you should give kissing her a go. If you screw it up and kill her, it's no big deal; you'll win either way."

Emmett had to grab Edward's ankle again when he launched himself toward Jasper. "Blasphemer."

The Cullens were preoccupied and didn't notice the presence of another vampire until she spoke.

"Well, well. The board of directors won't like hearing a coven is using the company to procure their meals." The ethereal beauty speaking was no angel. "Good thing the ventilation system is slightly antiquated. I might have missed the fragrance."

"We pack our lunches," Alice said. "We are no danger to any of our co-workers."

Jasper couldn't let Alice handle the _special _company courier alone. "We had a minor incident. Nothing serious. No need to involve your boss."

"I'll be the judge of that. Call me Heidi. We'll speak again soon. Don't think you can run off and disappear. We have trackers. Very good trackers." And with that, Heidi vanished.

Edward finished picking the lint off his tongue and decided to speak. "Alice, you didn't see that the Volturi own this company?"

* * *

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Nothing to do with any copyrighted works of fiction upon which this perversion is based. I'm just playing. No copyright infringement intended.

A/N: This was written weeks before the commercial for that new tv comedy about a call center began to air. i know absolutely nothing about that. I don't even know if that show is actually on now.

BTW, if you want to read the drabble that inspired this bit of crac fic, it is posted under El Diablo Doesn't Wear Pantyhose (prompt #16).

Nightshift is dedicated to my lulzy family at We Broke Twilight. Use the link on my profile page to check us out!


End file.
